Keeping it Real: Part 3- On Being Enough

Keeping It Real: Part 3- On Being Enough

I went to jot my thoughts down & came to this old blog to do so, and of course the next Keeping It Real post was to be "On Being Enough". Seriously, so so fitting for what I need to get down. So here goes...

Long story shorter, I resigned from my teaching position. Yup, I'm the person that got recognized in a district-wide "Welcome to our New Staff" email on the same day that I submitted my resignation. 😓Not cool. Do I feel stupid and like a failure? Obviously. But that's okay... I learned about this position back in June. Mind you, our plan all along was for me to stay home until Teagan was in kindergarten and then explore other employment options for me. But when this came up, it seemed "too good to be true" and in many, many ways...it was/is the perfect position ...a mile down the road, in the building where the girls will go to elementary school and with people who I really admire and respect. I also  was really excited about the idea of having an identity outside of the home again...beyond  "just a stay at home mom" or "just teaching English to kids in China". Because for whatever reason, I had it in my head that those things weren't enough... As my girls liked to tell everyone all summer, "mommy is going to be a real teacher now".  Haaa. I spent the summer truly invested in this -- either in actually getting the job, preparing, classroom set up, induction round 2.0, etc, etc....so a lot of time, energy and thought went into this. Sure, I doubted some along the way, but I figured that was because I've been home for 6 years (and out of the classroom for 8) so I kept on truckin'.

It was pretty early on on the first day of school that I knew I made a pretty big mistake. :-( I figured at that point that I'd keep putting one foot in front of the other, and figure it out. But I actually suck at faking it, and I am one to just tell it like it is. The reality is that this isn't  a "just stick with it" kind of thing... It's not my students...I actually adore the kids in my class, and while they can be a handful (what class can't?), it will be extremely sad to walk away from them. It's that ...somewhere in that span of time between being in the classroom the last time (in my twenties, pre-children) and now, I lost that desire and spark to actually teach 20 some kiddos at one time. I recognize that sounds horrible, but it's just true. If I could have predicted that is how I would feel actually back at it again, I obviously would have never gone out for the position. It doesn't feel like the normal "oh my goodness, summer is over and they don't know how to walk in a straight line in the hall" or that more time would have allowed my feelings to change...I truly just think this part of my life is over. And that's okay.

Of course, so many people had encouraged me when I said I was heading back to teaching. And  told me what a good teacher I was or how lucky the kids were, etc, etc. And sure, those things helped me feel ready for the position. But at the end of the day, this is not what I want. I can set up a classroom, or assess a class full of kids, grade, and write plans or prepare materials or any of all.the.things that are required of teachers....except that I don't want to actually teach. And that's okay.

I'm enough as "just" a mom. I'm enough as "just" an online English teacher. I'm enough as whatever else lies ahead for me job wise. 

And so I needed to face that in following my heart and what I felt was right to do, I was and am obviously letting down a lot of people. I realize and recognize the weight of this. I know I'll never work in M-burg again. I get it. And that's okay... As I let people know that unfortunately I decided to step down, and walk away, overwhelmingly the response has been "Good for you"... or "I wish I could do that".............and really, truly....if you're not happy doing what you are doing, and if you don't feel like you are where you are supposed to be, you are able to make a different choice for your own life. Is there sacrifice? UMM, yes. We are heading into year 7 of one income & me fumbling to try to make-shift a second one. Clearly, I have minimal retirement at the moment... Obviously, there are things we can't or don't do because of $. Have you seen our vehicles?! 😜But there are also lots of things we can do based on saving or cutting somewhere else. And at the end of the day, you figure it out and $ doesn't really matter anyway. You can find 83286124498 ways to make ends meet. You get one life to live...Live it.

So yes, 100%, I am sorry that it took doing this to figure it out. And of course, I'm sorry I'm leaving, and that I am disappointing so many people, most importantly to me, my students, and their families...and it was a hard thing to break to my own girls, too...But this is the right choice for me. And after they find a replacement and I transition out, I feel like I'll be on a bit of a journey to actually accepting that I'm enough right now...just as is. Nothing else. Nothing more, nothing less. Just me. And that's okay.





P.S. And one more thing... I've said it before & I'll say it again...I have the utmost respect (now even more..) for working parents/moms. But especially teacher mamas. Seriously, you are incredible. You clearly have way more strength, energy, courage, and drive than I do.